Lead Clinical Specialist A’Nadia Anderson recruits and supports foster parents for an Upstate foster agency. So, when the 38-year-old, with her husband Desmond, decided to fulfill her own dream of becoming a foster parent, she felt well prepared. However, the reality of fostering – especially fostering a teen – came with some surprises.
“I used to hear my foster parents worry about one situation with a child or another, and sometimes I would think, ok, this probably isn’t as serious as you think,” A’Nadia said. “But once you’re in the situation of fostering, you get a different perspective.”
To eliminate conflicts of interest that could compromise child welfare and oversight, the law prevents a person who works for one foster care organization from fostering through that same agency. So, in 2020, A’Nadia and her husband selected Epworth to guide and walk with them on their foster parent journey.
“My husband was raised a Methodist, so we felt good about Epworth’s values,” she said. “From my experience working in the foster care field, including for the S.C. Department of Social Services, I had a lot of knowledge, and I did my research before settling on Epworth.”
At first, like many foster parents, A’Nadia and Desmond were determined to foster only young children. They started off caring for 3-year-old twins and a 10-year-old boy, each for several months. Then Isaiah entered the couple’s life.
“Isaiah actually was my very first client when I began working for my agency,” she said. “He was 9 years old at that time…and he was tough. It was hard to find a placement for him. He had a lot of anger, was broken, had never lived with his parents, always with different family members. He was destructive, disrespectful, didn’t want to go to school. In one family home, he got a lot of whippings, and he just grew angrier. I placed him with three or four foster families over a period of years, but none worked out.”
As A’Nadia struggled repeatedly to find yet another foster home for Isaiah, she began seeing through his misbehavior and hard shell to the tender heart beneath.
“It became clear to me that he was the kind of child who would give another person the clothes off his back,” she said. “I felt he had a lot of potential if he could just find a stable, good home. So, I finally asked my husband if we could try to give him a chance. I told Desmond that maybe he could be a positive male role model for Isaiah, that maybe that was one of the things Isaiah needed most.”
Desmond agreed. But soon after moving in with the couple, Isaiah threatened to commit suicide, and A’Nadia wondered if they’d taken on more than they could handle. The mental health therapy Isaiah was receiving did not seem to be enough.
“This is when Carmen and Sophia of Epworth’s Foster Care staff really became a blessing to us,” A’Nadia said. “Isaiah wouldn’t go to school, so he was isolated. Carmen and Sophia advocated for him to go to a special school for children with emotional disorders. He started part time, then as he did better and better, we tried two full days a week, then gradually increased it.”
Last year, Isaiah attended school full time. Epworth staff then worked with A’Nadia and Desmond to take the same staged approach to other problems. For instance, for many years, Isaiah refused to ride the school bus. Today, he rides it daily. As Isaiah began feeling more at home in the Anderson’s loving environment, his behavior improved.
“He began going places with my husband,” A’Nadia said. “Today, they go to the gym together, cut the grass together, go to wrestling matches.”
A’Nadia said the couple have learned not to ‘feed into the power struggle” so common between teens and their parents.
“I now share this tip with my foster parents,” she said. “Don’t continue trying to argue with a teen who is angry and frustrated, give them some space. Wait until they are calm, and you are calm and then try to talk to them.”
A’Nadia said she has also learned firsthand that consistency, setting and sticking to limits, following through on what you say you will do, and offering lots of encouragement help make a teen feel safe and loved, and over time, improves their behavior.
“Even when we do all those things, of course, sometimes I just have to pray, pray, pray,” A’Nadia said. “We have come to love him so much, and when it gets rough, it can test our faith a little. I have found myself doubting and wondering at times, are we really the parents he needs?”
Yet the Andersons have hung in through all the challenging times. In return, Isaiah’s grades and behavior have improved, the good moments far outweigh the difficult ones, and he knows that he is cared for and secure.
“He knows that even when he does x, y or z, we will not push him away,” A’Nadia said. “He knows we are not giving up on him and not backing down.”
A’Nadia said she has learned that teens often don’t come into foster care looking for a mom and dad so much as they are looking for adults they can trust, someone who will help them work through problems.
She is grateful that she and Desmond were willing to take a chance on Isaiah and have persevered through the rough patches. His presence brought deep love and new purpose into their lives and gave her the opportunity to live what she sees as her life’s calling.
“I know that in fostering, Desmond and I are doing God’s work,” she said.
