Susan always assumed that by the time she turned 64 she would be nearing retirement. For decades, as the divorced administrative assistant worked full-time and raised her children, she regularly invested small sums in a retirement account. She envisioned retirement as a time of travel, hobbies, socializing with friends, relaxation, and spoiling grandchildren.
But retirement is off the table for Susan for at least another 8-10 years. That’s because the Columbia resident is raising and supporting her grandsons, who are 11, 12, and 17 years of age. Rather than spoiling the boys as their Mimi or Gran, she became the boys’ full-time kinship parent four years ago.
Susan loves the boys fiercely and she is grateful that they are in her care rather than in the precarious environment surrounding her adult daughter’s alcohol and drug addiction. But she has depleted her modest retirement account to pay custody attorneys and provide the boys with food, clothing and supplies. She spends every penny she earns covering necessities and extras like the fees that allow the boys to play sports. She vows that the boys will attend college if they choose to and says she will continue working for as long as she can to make that possible.
Not only is Susan facing a far less secure financial future than before, but she also has less energy and stamina than she did as a young mom.
Susan’s challenging reality is shared by thousands of other South Carolina grandparents, family members, and family friends who are travelling a similar road, raising children not their own. These are the families served by Epworth’s Kinship Navigator program. Using a grant from the S.C. Department of Social Services, Epworth launched the program two years ago to give kinship parents in the Midlands and Pee Dee regions the support and services they need to provide a safe, stable, and nurturing home for the children in their care. At no charge to kinship parents, Epworth offers one-on-one case management; guidance on legal and financial aid; access to diapers, food, clothing, and hygiene and household essentials; notary, copying and scanning services; referrals to local programs and agencies; caregiver training and peer support groups; and always, a compassionate listening ear.
Susan found Epworth’s Kinship Navigator program through a co-worker’s recommendation.
“I am the kind of person who finds it very hard to ask for help,” Susan said. “But I was struggling to provide the boys with everything they needed and my co-worker saw that.”
Susan called Epworth to ask if the agency might be able to give her boys school bookbags. The friendly Epworth staff member she spoke to urged Susan to drop by.
“When I arrived, she had three new book bags, one in each boy’s favorite color, waiting,” Susan said. “She had filled them with all the school supplies the boys would need for the year! I became so emotional, I cried.”
The staff member connected Susan with Epworth’s Kinship program, where caseworker Allison Clapp is now helping Susan apply for financial aid. Ms. Clapp also offers ongoing emotional support.
“When I got my grandsons, friends of 30 or 40 years disappeared on me,” Susan said. “Their calls dropped off, I guess because they were retiring, and my life suddenly no longer looked anything like theirs. So, I appreciate having someone to talk to.”
Susan told Ms. Clapp about her adult children, who are all in their 40s now. Two of the three are thriving with college degrees, professional careers, and families of their own. But from the age of 15, one daughter floundered. Her substance use, abusive relationships, and mental illness eventually exposed Susan’s three grandsons to deprivation, stretches of homelessness, chronic absences from school, and domestic violence.
For years, Susan and her ex-husband did everything they could to help their daughter get well. But neither medical treatment programs, counseling, nor jail worked for long.
When the boys were younger, Susan kept them for weeks or months at a time, whenever her daughter’s life spiraled downward.
“I once drove in the middle of the night on Christmas Eve to pick up my (then) 3-year-old grandson from a truck stop,” Susan said.
Susan’s daughter overdosed multiple times. Child welfare authorities would intervene and place the boys in foster care. Susan would contact the case worker to ask if the boys could stay with her instead. Then, whenever her daughter recovered temporarily and found housing, she wanted the boys back. The cycle repeated.
“The back and forth was so hard, and when the boys were with my daughter, I worried myself sick about what was happening to them,” Susan said.
As time went on, trauma and stress took a tremendous toll on the boys. One developed tremors; another tics. All three were failing in school. Susan finally hired a lawyer to pursue permanent custody, and the courts agreed that the boys would be better off with her.
Today, Susan’s daughter calls sporadically and Susan allows her daughter to visit the children in a neutral location whenever possible. But the meetings are hard for her. On top of the pressures and challenges of raising her grandchildren, Susan, like many kinship parents, is bearing the anguish and sense of helplessness that come from watching a beloved adult child struggle, her health deteriorating, from drug and alcohol addiction.
“The last time I took them to see her, I almost didn’t recognize my daughter, she was so thin,” Susan said.
Other kinship parents are grieving the death of their adult child, not only from addiction but from other kinds of illnesses or accidents. As kinship parents cope with these complex troubles, their sense of isolation from others in their community or church can deepen.
Epworth has helped ease Susan’s loneliness. She and the boys enjoy meeting other kinship families at monthly gatherings organized by the Kinship program. At the recent Thanksgiving celebration, in addition to a delicious meal, the Kinship staff gave Susan gift certificates for the boys and a large basket of household supplies.
“All of it helps,” Susan said. “More than that, the program has made me feel cared for and heard. I love everyone in Epworth’s program.”
Faith in God, Epworth’s support and the empathy of other kinship parents sustains and strengthens Susan. Today, her grandsons are doing well in school. One is playing soccer, another is playing golf, and two play instruments in the school band.
“However hard, the sacrifices are worth it to me,” she said. “One day my grandsons will understand just how much they were loved.”
Do you know a kinship parent who might benefit from Epworth’s Kinship Navigator services? Share this story with along with our Kinship webpage. Encourage them to call us at 1-888-561-2932.
